Spoof Porn is Seriously Weird

There is no gentle way to start this post, perhaps because it touches upon such a taboo subject – well taboo for some, normal for others – so I might as well just avoid beating around the bush and say that spoof porn is so weird.

I’ve never really gotten the whole witch hunt against porn, people can sometimes be so ashamed even to admit it exists which I’ve always found strange because nearly everyone who has access to the world wide web will have googled something naughty at some point. And why should you be so ashamed? Sex is a natural thing, as is wanting some alone time with you and your right hand (or left, the point still remains the same), and all porn does is help in both regards. Some of you might laugh at such openness but the way I see it, taking twenty minutes out of your day to blow off some steam (heh ‘blow off’) is just as natural as you-tubing something to dance to.

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We all know this scenario

That being said, you can’t really blame people for having such a prejudice against porn sometimes; while you can imagine most people’s tastes don’t go very far from the door of the norm, there is plenty of strange and disturbing genres of the stuff that you can find by simply pairing certain words together on Google – but I’m not here to talk about that, well kinda.

A popular trope of porn that has now become a stereotype is that many filmmakers in the industry are inspired by popular blockbuster films, television series, comic books, anything really when it comes to churning out some kink – and it’s because of that ‘anything’ that creates such zest and fire in porn-makers bellies (and probably their penises) you can find some truly hilarious, and quite strange spoofs – some so strange, they really have to be seen to be believed.

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Just to give you an idea of how nightmarish they can be

Now, because I’m a film lover, I think it’s to any other film lover’s credit that they know about these spoofs, especially the strange ones, because having that obscure and strange knowledge of which films have been porn spoofed can always benefit a conversation on the subject, and might just peak a little more interest.

So, here are some of the strangest, and most hilarious porn spoofs I’ve come across.

Edward Penishands

You read that right: Edward Penishands. If this one doesn’t already spark your curiosity, how can you say you love cinema. I mean, really take that in for second and then say that title out loud to yourself – Edward Penishands. It’s incredible that during what I can imagine to be one wild night, writer/director Paul Norman was watching Edward Scissorhands probably high as a kite too while we’re at it, and thought to himself, ‘hey, what if, instead of scissors, the guy had dicks for hands? And instead of being this weird social outcast, why not have him screw every woman he comes across? Oh and throw in a scene of him eating spaghetti just to put everyone off pasta for the rest of their days, because why not?’

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Well, he got his wish – and now we all have to acknowledge that there is a film out there with a plot about a man with genitals for hands. As a side note, if you ever found yourself thinking ‘there should have been a more Edward Scissorhands films’, well don’t worry because Pauly boy here has got you covered as he made two sequels to his film. Except, you know, his main character has penises for hands.

Oh, and here’s the spaghetti scene because I can actually show that here.

Foreskin Gump

With titles such as these, it’s no wonder that porn can get such a bad rap – I mean let’s face it, without innuendos, the genre would be really lacking for titles. The situation we have here however, is that while that title might be hilariously terrible, this film is actually more strange and definitely more disturbing than Edward Penishands when you think about it. I mean, let’s look at the source material here. Forrest Gump is the story of a mentally challenged man finding his way in the world. It’s a heart warming, and at times, heart wrenching story about an outsider just trying to live a normal life. But to do a porn version of this seems very odd indeed – a mentally handicapped man finding his way in the world by having lots of random sex with women really isn’t the kind of story that inspires the same kind of joy and happiness is it?

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The even stranger thing about this film is how cheap it looks. Forrest Gump had its titular character across the world and getting himself into all kinds of scenarios: he teaches Elvis how to dance, he fights in Vietnam and has a magical, loving moment in front of the Washington Monument. How would any porn director ever reflect that kind of story? Well, they don’t – this film looks like it was shot in your garage and feels as unclean as the subject matter it wants to show you; it doesn’t even try. Maybe in some strange way that makes it a porn great, or it makes it a cheap attempt to cash in on a popular film; I’m going with the latter.

Porno Holocaust

When it comes to the use of sex in film, you probably won’t be surprised to learn that it’s a staple of the horror genre. Probably the biggest stereotype next to the violence, is how often sex is used as a ploy for someone to die – I mean, even non-horror fans know of it’s golden rule, and that is that sex is forbidden if you want to live. That’s why usually, the girl/boy that had no interest in the activity is the one to survive the whole ordeal. But while sex may be in high use, the scenes we’re normally handed are incredibly tame, especially when we measure them up to some of the more gory scenes that horror films have to offer. Maybe because film makers didn’t want to make their films too crude, or just because they didn’t want the audience to be too distracted from the violence – who knows.

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However, this can’t be said for Italian directors in the 70’s and 80’s who would often fill their films with explicit sex scenes, and one of the titans of weird horror sex scenes is Joe D’Amato who, once upon a time, created something new entirely when he made porno holocaust – a film which describes itself as a horror porno. So how does that work? Well it’s not what you might expect in the sense that this isn’t scenes of sex and then scenes of horror – this is a complete blend. So, one minute we have a married couple having sex for ten minutes, and then the next we have the husband drowned by a creature before said creature rapes and kills his wife. It’s odd, but in some strange way, it’s nice to see a seedy Italian horror film not afraid to go the full mile with it’s premise, because as the 80’s went on, we got countless more of these ‘horror pornos’, but Porno Holocaust will always be the reigning champ of this underground movement – Joe must be very proud!

E.T. The Porno

Overall, the 80’s was a weird time for cinema – sure, there were many masterpieces made, but if you were to dunk your head under that clear water made of films like The Terminator, Full Metal Jacket and Raiders of the Lost Ark, you’ll find all sorts of strange life. Now, if you go as deep as your lungs will allow, you’ll find many strange porno spoofs, but I think you’ll agree that E.T The Porno is possibly the strangest. The thing is, this isn’t the only sex spoof of the cute and heartwarming story of an alien visitor, as you’ll find many from all over the world. So, I’m just going to give a general spectrum of them because I think given the title, you can understand why these ones is so strange.
In the Turkish version, we have a bog standard story of E.T coming to earth, watching a few people having sex and then going off to have his own rampant adventures which is perhaps the most normal version as it just cuts straight to the point and doesn’t bother with any set pieces or story. Now, the German version on the other hand is the strangest – by far! If you didn’t think having sex with a puppet alien was enough, why not have a group of 19th century bourgeoisie types gang-bang a female alien just to show it what it’s like to be human. ‘I’ll always be in here’, *points to bad touch zone* dirty bugger.

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Bless her, she just looks so sad.

Batbabe: The Dark Nightie

Just to show you that even in our civilized, modern society there are some of us out there that still want to see a different side to porn, and according to this film, a different side to the Dark Knight. So, rather than Bruce Wayne donning a bat outfit to scare and battle crime in Gotham City, we have Wendy Wayne donning hardly anything to arouse and shag pretty much everything in ‘Bacchum city’ – and God only knows what Bacchum is, I’ve googled it and come up with nothing. We do have ‘The Jerker’ though, so at least the puns don’t end with the title. Because this one is a modern porno spoof, that means it has to have a plot, because if our tastes have evolved at all, it’s that we now expect a proper plot, so what do we have?
Well, ‘The Jerker’ has plotted to remove all the porn from Bacchum city so Batbabe must have a lot sex to stop him.

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Did they even try?

To be honest, my biggest question is why there needs to be porn at all in this world if one of it’s richest citizens is up for having a go on just about anyone, but then again, he is called ‘The Jerker’.I’d say this has hardly anything to do with Batman, but they throw as many characters that work to their puns as they can, I mean, even my favourite of the Batman gallery of villains, Mr Freeze, makes an appearance – but his name is Mr Sleaze and he’s doing a terrible Arnie impression. Wow.

So am I telling you to check these films out? Not really, but if you have a love of films, and a curious heart, it’s certainly worth having a look because at the very least, you’ll find some incredibly hilarious titles!

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Author: diagnosedcinephile

Film critique is love. Film critique is life.

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